Gym Genres

Here’s a fun little post for you. Gym Genres, aka, stereotypical types of people you see at the gym. Now this list has been made in the past, but never by me, so that’s reason enough to write it, no? Since I am a borderline obsessively committed gym rat myself (pics of me pretending to be a fitness model for proof), I feel I am allowed to poke good spirited fun of these people, especially because I’m guilty of a great deal of these offenses.

I ABSOLUTELY don't skip leg day, I'm just not an ass pic kinda gal

So without further ado, 33 types of people you see at the gym:

1. The Night Owl: This is first because it’s me. I’m the girl who is at the gym from about 10 pm to 11:30 pm most days. Normally I’m the only one there, especially Friday night and Saturday nights because I have no life. My favorite things to chuckle to myself about on those nights is to say ‘EY its time for happy hour at my favorite bar”. I like to snapchat to no one that “it’s time to party, and by party I mean hit the bar, and by the bar I mean the barbell, ya… I’m working out again”. Can’t decide if I have no friends because I do this or I do this because I have no friends... Either way it’s actually quite nice to have the gym to myself most days! However, there are some random nights, often Wednesdays where I find myself there with 4 other completely random night owls, but they are the wannabe night owls, because I see them there one time and one time only. I can’t help but wonder their reasoning behind it. I have a solid reason, I work until 9:30 pm, perhaps they do too, but I like to imagine more creative reasons. I actually scared the shit out a guy one time at about midnight. I walked into a room and he was lying on the floor watching a YouTube video, clearing had not been working out nor intending too, probably there for the free wifi. He wasn’t in my way so I began my workout. After about 3 minutes he noticed me and went from zero to pushups in record time.

2. The Makeup Girl: We all know her, the one that shows up with a full face of makeup and flawless hair. The killer part is that she leaves that way too. Sorry Hun, but if you leave looking like that then you didn’t work out,, but whatever gets you through the day. Yes this sounds mean but these girls generally fall into the next two categories as well, which means they deserve mean-spirited jests in my opinion.

3. See-Through Yoga Pants Girl: I wear yoga pants to the gym, I hate wearing shorts so leggings are actually my go to. The thing is, there a fit problem… they have to fit. If they do not fit, we run into what I like to call the transparency issue. The issue that when your pants are too tight, and you squat down, we see your entire ass. Somehow, thongs seem to go hand in hand with this. First of all, that hurts me on a spiritual level because I can’t imagine how you squat with a thong on in the first place (that’s just asking for trouble), and second, at least if you wear actual underwear we don’t get the whole-ass show. Now men go ahead and dismiss this post and tell me you don’t mind these girls, but I’ll get to some of your inappropriate attire later and guess what, it’s not attractive to us so perhaps we could all just shape up and make a more pleasant workout environment.

4. The Phone Addict: OH LORD HAVE MERCY. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m known to use the phone in my rest seconds of my hiit workouts to distract from the pain, but those people just chillin on a machine for 5 minutes not doing shit and just looking at their phone, there’s special place in hell for you (right next to people curling in the squat rack).

5. The “I only use the 5 lb’s because I don’t want to get bulky” Girl: Now that’s great if that’s your theory (you are dead wrong but whatever, you do you) but please don’t tell me that I’m going to look like a man (while also saying OMGhowdoyoulooksogoodyoumusthavethebestgenetics!! -.-)

6. The Facebook Check-In: now the curious thing about them is you never really actually see them at the gym but you sure as hell see their Facebook post about their killer workout. My response to this is to quote Toby Keith and say “A little less talk and a lot more action”.

7. The Early Risers: This is sometimes me. I’m the extreme though. I am known to be at the gym at 4 am before work if that happens to be the only time that I’ll be able to get a workout in. It makes me question my commitment to fitness, but I will do it. I am referring more to the people with 9 to 5 jobs (or go before high school like I did for a time) who hit the gym around 6 or 7 and are generally your average people. However the sheer number of people who do this makes it to be one of my least favorite times to hit the gym. The early bird may get the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

8. The Grunter: There’s always that one guy that feels the need to grunt SO LOUDLY after EVERY REP. Now I understand this to a degree, bustin' out one more set I’m no stranger to a bit of a motivational grunt (its involuntary really), but there is a line between something useful and just being dramatic, and I assure you it is not a fine one.

9. Drax: This is one of my favorites because they’re generally super nice guys. I call them Drax because they look like Drax the Destroyer from Guardians of the Galaxy. They are basically just the power lifter/bodybuilders who go for a purpose and know what the hell they are doing. There was one man in particular in CA that is the inspiration for the name because he truly looked exactly like Drax, but many men fall into this category in my opinion. My favorite encounter with one of these guys was a time I was lifting with my dad and Drax (the inspiration for the name guy) was dead lifting a good 500 lbs and my dad asks if I can work in with him. Without hesitation or a hint or sarcasm he agrees and steps back to make way for the 100 lb little girl to step up to his monstrous weight stack. Obviously, I walked up as though I was actually going to attempt this and then we all had a good laugh about it a moment later when he realized what a ridiculous thing he had just been asked and agreed to.

10. The Ninja: I often see that one person doing like upside down chin ups or something utterly ridiculous that I doubt I could even begin to figure out how the hell they contorted themselves into that position, let alone what muscles that’s supposed to work, but they seem to have it down so no judgments ill just sit here and be in awe. You are on a different level than me.

11. The Equipment Improviser: These are similar to the ninjas, but in a very bad way. These are the people that are using machines for purposes that are entirely wrong. It’s not just an odd exercise, its flat out wrong. I personally believe this comes from too many fun Instagram posts about the ‘new way to use such and such equipment for a better butt’-posts that are utter crap. Please stop before you hurt yourself or break the machine.

12. Jeans Junkie: There’s always one. Did you just forget and are super committed to exercise or do you honestly come like that on purpose? There was one tiny little lady that I used to see all the time that came in with a full on fancy shirt, jewelry, pants; everything BUT workout clothes and it was a daily thing, so I guess whatever works for you but that can’t be comfortable.

13. The Short Shorts Man: Once again there’s always one, generally an older gentleman in my experience, the shorts, too short, too too short. You do you, but maybe we could compromise on shorts length?

14. The Nipple Man: I’m all for cut off tanks, I live in them myself, and I’m not opposed to small clothing if that’s what your comfy in. I myself am guilty of working out in just a bra and shorts if I’m sweating balls but the guys that come in with the shirts that have maaaybe an inch covering their chest, that’s not a real shirt, that’s just a pretend shirt and all I take from that is that you couldn’t commit to a shirt or no shirt and in the process have highlighted your nipples, not my cup of tea, sorry.

15. The Foodie: The person that chases every workout with a giant ass meal, because hey, they ‘earned it’ (and then complains about not losing weight).

16. The Sweat monster: We all sweat I get it, but for god’s sake wipe down your bench.

I watched this puddle form. Unacceptable.

17. The Pretzel: this one kills me. The girl that is in there ‘warming up’ and I’m here next to her looking like this

18. The Flirt: Now there is serious gym etiquette for this one. If you are coming to the gym to find a mate, I don’t care, but FOLLOW PROTOCOL. And the number one rule is if someone has headphone in, that’s a no go. Go talk to makeup girl. And don’t stare at my ass, go talk to legging girl.

19. The Walkers: the people that come to the gym just to walk on the treadmill. I admit I have done this (just my apartment gym) on days when I’d like to watch a movie and so I’ll go walk on the treadmill so I feel like less of a lazy ass for taking time to watch a movie. It’s the consistent walkers I can’t help but feel a little sad about especially on nice days, and if the treadmills are full and they are staking their claim then some shits gonna go down.

20. Chatty McChat Chat: These people are just too friendly for their own good. It’s nice to know some gym people and have a quick hello ,but there are the occasional few that want to talk talk talk talk and I’m sitting there like ok my 30 seconds rest is up I gotta kill these burpies and maintaining a conversation while attempting to count reps is just too much for my brutish gym brain to handle. You are so very nice, but perhaps go hit up the walkers my friend.

21. The Weight Hog: Aka the super setter. Again I am guilty, I’m a big fan of the superset, but I also generally workout when I’m the only one present in the gym and if I’m not, I make sure to only take up one space at a time. It’s the people that need (at rush hour) ALL of the weights and all of the machines and all of the racks because brah, they gotta super set to get those gains. I promise you, you can get the gains without being an A-hole.

22. The Swooper: When you’re patiently waiting for a rack or machine or weight or whatever, and this person SWOOPS IN right in front of you clearly defying the gym etiquette of waiting your turn.

23. The Just Started Lifting Guy: Super pumped to get swoll, gonna tell you all about it, but waaaay too good for leg day. Often seen curling in the squat rack…

24. The Underage One: There’s that one kid like 12 years old that thinks he wants to lift but is clearly confused as hell and alone so they kinda wander around looking sad. Wait a few years buddy, you’ll get there I promise don't worry.

25. The Workout Buddies: A group of 3 or more people who go to lift together and if you actually watch them, you realize they are accomplishing very little, but they sure do draw a lot of attention to themselves.

26. The Chubby Hard Worker: I love these people. They are the faces of inspiration to me. These are the people truly trying to change their lifestyles and get healthy and they bring me joy and I wish them all the best.

27. The PT Clients: Man they crack me up because they just look like they are dying and they are paying someone to kill them. They live with this internal struggle and it makes their workout infinitely entertaining to me.

28. The Supplement Guy: Now I can’t say I’m innocent of this because I will happily tell you all about my bcaa’s and my protein preferences but there comes a point where even I, who reads up on this stuff for fun, starts to lose track of their supplement list and that may just be a tad overkill. I suppose as long as you’re not on the ‘roids then who am I to judge though.

29. Happy Cheerleader: Another one of my favorites, is those people how are genuinely happy for you. I love getting off the treadmill and one of these guys just going “HEY MAN YOU KILLED THAT I WAS TRYING TO KEEP UP AND YOU JUST WERE CRUSHING IT SO HARD”. Well thank you sir, you have a wonderful day.

30. The Gym Selfier: I afraid I must admit I am again guilty... I can’t even judge because I’ve done this… but hey, be proud of your work!

31. The Mirror Checker: Similar to the selfier, and ugh once again I’m known to have done this on occasion... It's self motivation, that’s what I tell myself at least..

32. The Singer/Dancer: NOW THIS IS ME AND I AM PROUD OF IT. I don’t sing, that one I’ll say can be a bit much, the headphone karaoke singers… but I dance and I’m not ashamed of it. I go to the gym to workout which is SO FUN for me. So when my jam comes on you bet I’ll throw in a butt wiggle, I’ll pop a shoulder or two between sets. Life’s too short to not dance when ya feel like dancing.

33. The Naked Hot Tub-ers: This never ceases to catch me off guard because I often don’t realize you’re naked until you get out of the bubbles and no matter how much I prepare myself, I’m always a little caught off guard. Power to you and your confidence, I’m a much shyer nudist than you.

34. The Power Couple: Annoying as hell, yet also goals. Bonus points when they wear matching outfits. You irritate me, but I also am jealous.